My Story
So about two months ago, our team doctor at University of South Carolina decided that I put a pause on riding for the rest of the season right before my teams SEC Championships. This decision was made due to growing concern over my brain's health after numerous TBI’s over my career. I have had 3 TBI’s and who knows how many sub-concussion impacts over the past 6 years that have left me with migraines, memory issues, vision problems, physical impairments, decreased executive functioning and attention deficits. Since I experienced my first brain injury at the age of 12, those symptoms became my new normal and I didn't know that my concussions were the root of my daily symptoms. As this sport is so intense and demanding, I have brushed off these symptoms and pushed through to accomplish my goals of riding in college and continuing to move up to the bigger classes. Unfortunately, my choice to ignore this all and push through without giving my brain time to heal leaves me here, operating with a rather un-functional, un-healed brain. Additionally, my choice to not disclose my symptoms to athletic staff, trainers, friends or parents, due to my lack of knowledge about concussions and lasting effects, left me struggling in the dark, with no knowledge as to why I felt like my brain was turned off and my body was slowly giving out on me.
I first thought that I was dealing with a mental health problem, which wasn't wrong, just wasn’t the root of the problem. After trying medication and therapy with no success, the amazing team of mental health professionals at USC put their heads together to figure out a plan. They went through my files and found my history of brain injuries and realized that this was much bigger than what I came in to see them for. I was then sent to our team doctor, who decided to have me not ride for the remainder of the season as a precaution.
Since then, I have met with amazing specialists ranging from Neuropsychiatrists to Neuro-optometrists, and everyone in between to figure out exactly what is going on. As of now, we know that I am suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) which essentially means that I am still experiencing symptoms from prior concussions, much past what is considered the “normal” healing time. Unfortunately, TBI’s and PCS are an ‘invisible injury,’ and there is not a test or a scan that can give a definite answer as to how severe or how long symptoms will persist.
If you know me, I am sure you are quite confused, as I am sure I have given you no reason to worry about my functionality. This is where the invisible part comes in. I have set such high goals for myself, and I am so hungry for knowledge, that I will push through just about anything to do what I love with the people and community I love. No matter how I feel, I will put on a smile and work my butt off to accomplish my goals, and try my hardest to make those around me proud. That being said, I am just as shocked as all of you; I had no idea how severe this all really is. I have had to learn how to let myself take a break and how to decipher how my body feels after putting those feelings on mute for so long. This is the longest I have ever gone without riding, but this time has allowed me to get in touch with my body and truly let myself acknowledge pain or struggles.
So this all leaves me here. I have been working closely with my medical team to monitor my symptoms and gather more information. After meeting with specialists and completing more intense tests than any standardized test I've ever taken, my team and I were able to look at everything and make a plan.
As I have had so many brain injuries, the risk of getting another concussion is more significant with each impact. As well as the risk of me getting another concussion could lead to something much bigger than some headaches or vision problems. Therefore, my team of doctors have advised that I take a step back and give my brain a break. Right now, I have no idea what that really is. All I know is that showing this summer is not in my brain’s best interest.
I have had time to reflect on all of this and I am choosing to keep my glass half full and think about the recovery I could make with rehab and treatments. I have realized that, while horses have been my everything for as long as I can remember, riding may not be my everything forever. I will never be able to leave the horse world, but I am looking forward to seeing what other avenues of the sport I enjoy. Now, I can't say that I have had this perspective through the whole process, I have felt angry, heart broken, guilty and lost throughout but I have had time to truly absorb everything and put it all in perspective: "No rain, No flowers."
Recently, I have spent time reflecting on my career thus far. I have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. I am so lucky that I have grown up with such amazing horsewomen as role models, and had the opportunities I have had. But right now, I feel proud of that chapter of my life. I did more than I thought possible and I am now ready to close that chapter and write the next.
